Secure From the Start: Parenting with Attachment in Mind

As parents, we all want our children to feel safe, loved, and confident in who they are. What if I told you that the way you respond to your child in ordinary, everyday moments is one of the most powerful ways to make that happen? That’s the heart of attachment theory, a framework that helps us understand how the emotional bond between a parent and child shapes their lifelong ability to connect, trust, and thrive. We all say that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, and while this is true, I would suggest that understanding and creating a secure attachment is one of the closest things to a “handbook” that I have found. 

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains that children are biologically wired to seek closeness to their caregivers. When their caregivers consistently respond to their needs with warmth and care, children develop what’s called a secure attachment, a deep inner sense of safety and trust.

This bond becomes the foundation for how children see themselves (“I’m worthy of love”) and others (“People can be trusted to help me”). It’s the emotional blueprint for future relationships, learning, and even resilience in hard times.

As we are intentional about our parenting, it might be worth taking some time out to reflect on the attachment style you experienced growing up. We often bring the same patterns that we experienced to our own parenting. Reflection helps us to make the changes that we want to make moving forward. 

The Four Attachment Styles

Every child develops their attachment pattern based on how their caregivers respond to their emotional needs.

1. Secure Attachment – “I can count on you.” These children have caregivers who are reliable, affectionate, and responsive. They feel safe exploring the world because they know comfort is available when needed.

2. Avoidant Attachment – “I’ll handle it myself.” These children often have caregivers who are emotionally distant or uncomfortable with feelings. To protect themselves, they learn to suppress emotions and act self-reliant.

3. Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment – “I’m not sure if you’ll be there.” These children experience inconsistent caregiving—sometimes loving, sometimes distracted or unavailable. They crave closeness but also feel anxious and uncertain about whether their needs will be met.

4. Disorganized Attachment – “You scare me, but I need you.” These children face caregivers who are a source of both comfort and fear (often due to trauma, abuse, or intense stress). They feel confused and unsafe in relationships.

The good news? Attachment isn’t fixed. Even if your child, or you, didn’t start with secure attachment, healing and growth are always possible through consistent connection and repair.

Practical Ways to Build a Secure Attachment

You don’t have to be perfect to create a secure bond. You just need to be present and willing to reconnect when things go off track. Here’s how:

1. Help your child feel safe. Create routines, follow through on promises, and keep your reactions predictable. Safety grows when children know what to expect.

2. Help your child feel seen. Notice their cues and name their emotions: “You’re disappointed we have to leave the park.” Feeling seen tells a child, “You matter.” Brene Brown says, “Making someone feel seen and heard, and understood is the loudest way to love them.” 

3. Help your child feel soothed. When your child is upset, stay close, stay calm, and offer comfort. Your calm presence helps their nervous system learn to regulate.

4. Help your child feel secure. After conflict or disconnection, repair it. “I was frustrated earlier, but I love you and we’re okay.” Repair teaches that relationships can recover, and that love is steady, even after mistakes.

The Power of “Good Enough”

You don’t need to get it right every time. Research shows that even “good enough” parenting, being attuned and responsive most of the time, creates secure attachment. What matters most is the pattern of care over time, not perfection in every moment. Doesn’t that take a little of the stress off? I hope you let out a little sigh of relief after reading that. So take a deep breath. Every time you pause, notice, comfort, or reconnect with your child, you’re wiring their brain for resilience and trust. You’re helping them grow into a person who feels safe in the world, and that’s the real power of showing up.