Because the ABC's & 123's Aren't Enough

When parents talk about their hopes and dreams for their children, you’ll often hear things like, “I just want them to be happy and healthy,” or “I want them to be successful, fall in love, and maybe have a strong family of their own someday.” These are such tender, heartfelt hopes. And they’re good ones.

But here’s something we don’t always talk about: those outcomes don’t happen by accident. They’re built on skills. Skills our kids need us to teach. Just like we help them learn their ABCs and 123s, we also need to help them learn the language of emotions. Because emotional intelligence is what actually allows them to build friendships, navigate conflict, set boundaries, fall in love, recover from disappointment, and stay connected to themselves along the way.

In many ways, emotional intelligence is the foundation that everything else rests on.

Emotional intelligence can be defined as the ability to notice and understand our own feelings, and then use those feelings as helpful information to guide our thoughts, choices, and actions.

It’s not about ignoring emotions or being positive all the time. It's about learning how to recognize what’s happening inside us and responding in healthy, thoughtful ways.

And like any language, it takes time, practice, and patience to learn.

There are a lot of moving pieces involved. We learn to notice our nervous system and recognize when emotions start to rise. We practice naming what we feel. We get curious about what those feelings are trying to teach us. And then we learn how to express and communicate them in ways that help us feel heard and understood.

When we do this, we’re literally building neural pathways between the emotional centers of the brain and the thinking, reasoning part of the brain. We’re helping feelings move into emotionally mature responses.

If that sounds like a lot… you’re not wrong. It can feel overwhelming at first.

And here’s something I gently remind parents all the time:

We can’t lead our children somewhere we’ve never been ourselves.

For many of us, emotions weren’t welcomed growing up. Maybe feelings were brushed aside, minimized, or even punished. We learned to stuff them down because they felt unsafe or unpredictable.

So this work? It often starts with us.

Start small. Start gently.

Begin by noticing yourself.

Tune into your body throughout the day. Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Does your stomach feel uneasy? Is your heart racing?

Our bodies usually speak first.

When you notice a sensation, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself, What might I be feeling right now? Try naming it out loud. Then expand it, give it two or three words. Maybe it’s not just “mad,” but “frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed.”

This simple act helps move the feeling from the reactive part of the brain into the thinking part of the brain. Then ask yourself one more gentle question: What do I need right now?

Just like learning a new language, this takes repetition and practice. Some days it will feel awkward. Some days you’ll forget. That’s okay. Keep going.

Because when you do this work, something powerful happens.

You become the model.

Your children watch you name feelings. They watch you regulate. They watch you repair.

And then you get to walk alongside them as they learn their own emotional world — helping them find words for their big feelings, guiding them through meltdowns, showing them that emotions aren’t scary or shameful… they’re information.

When we show up calmly and consistently, we send a clear message: Your feelings are safe here. You are safe here. We can work through this together.

And that’s how we raise children who grow into adults who are connected, resilient, and capable of healthy relationships.

Start with you. Then bring them along.

One small moment at a time.