Parenting: What I Wish I Had Known Sooner

If someone asked me what the most fascinating part of my parent coaching certification was, I wouldn’t hesitate: learning about the nervous system.

For years, I lived almost entirely in my “thinking brain,” believing that if I could just reason, discipline, or talk my way through parenting challenges, things would work out. What I didn’t realize was that my mind and body were constantly communicating with each other—and that my kids’ nervous systems were responding to mine long before they responded to my words.

Looking back, I often think: I wish I could go back in time and parent with this knowledge. Yes, my kids turned out “just fine.” But with what we now understand about the brain, emotions, and stress physiology, I know I would have responded more and reacted less. I would have spent more time looking beneath behaviors instead of trying to manage the behaviors themselves. Polyvagal Theory would have given me so much insight into what was happening in myself and my children. And I definitely would have learned how deeply children need our support to coregulate, not just “calm down.”

So my challenge to you is this:Learn as much as you can about nervous system science, and begin weaving it into your parenting. It has the potential to change so much. 

The Mind-Body Connection I Didn’t Know I Needed

For much of my adult life, I didn’t fully connect the dots between my emotional reactions and my physiological state. I thought feelings were things to power through, suppress, or rationalize. But the nervous system doesn’t work that way. Our bodies keep score long before our brains understand what’s happening. When I learned this, it felt like someone handed me the missing puzzle piece.Suddenly, parenting made more sense. I made more sense. When my instructor said this one sentence, I felt everything shift. 

“Feelings are neutral messengers.”

They aren’t good or bad.They aren’t signs of failure, weakness, or misbehavior.They are information.

I had spent so many years resisting, pushing down, or judging my emotions instead of listening to them. I would have told you that it was wrong to be mad or that being sad or scared felt like weakness. I was so wrong. Seeing feelings as neutral has changed so much for me, personally. I try to take the time to notice, name and see what the feeling is trying to tell me. Now I have the privilege to teach parents to see emotions as signals, teachers, and guides as well and to hopefully in turn teach our children the same. Breaking cycles one feeling at a time. 

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our nervous system shifts through states depending on whether we experience safety or threat.

Here’s the simple version:

1. Ventral Vagal – Safe & Connected (green state)

This is the “I’m OK” state. We feel grounded, curious, patient, and able to engage. Children in this state can listen, learn, play, and connect.

2. Sympathetic Activation – Fight or Flight (red state)

This is the “I need to protect myself” state. We feel irritated, overwhelmed, anxious, or angry. Kids may use big behaviors—hitting, yelling, refusing, running away.

3. Dorsal Vagal – Shutdown (blue state)

This is the “I’m overwhelmed and I can’t handle this” state. Adults and children may look withdrawn, numb, disengaged, or “checked out.”

These states are not choices, they are biological reactions.

Behavior is always a window into the nervous system. Parents I encourage you to start to recognize these states in yourself and your child and let this recognition help you as you navigate the days. When we notice a green state, that’s our  time to teach, to help our children grow and engage in life. When we notice a red or blue state that is our cue to pause and do the work to move ourselves or our children back into green. 

Before kids learn to self-regulate through the states, they learn to coregulate.

It’s not a skill they magically acquire—it’s a biological process that depends on us.

Coregulation means:

• When you stay grounded, their nervous system begins to settle.

• When you offer safety, they regain emotional balance.

• When you model calm, their brain learns calm.

A child’s nervous system is constantly scanning the adults around them: "Am I safe? Is this person steady? Can I borrow their calm?"

This was one of the areas I wish I had understood most when my kids were little. I thought calm meant “don’t raise your voice,” but now I know it means your whole body communicates safety, your breath, your face, your tone, your pace. One time when my son was about 3 we were in the grocery store, he was sitting in the cart facing me and I was just moving along with my shopping. I heard him ask “Mommy, are you ok?” I replied with a nonchalant, “yes”, as I continued to shop,  and then I heard his sweet little voice say, “Let me see your face.” Oh that stopped me in my tracks, something felt off to him and he was looking to me for guidance at that moment. If your nervous system is overwhelmed, tense, or dysregulated, your child will sense it instantly. We can’t fake calm. Kids are wired to tune into our cues for survival. 

You cannot lead a child somewhere you haven’t been.

When you know your own patterns your fight/flight triggers, your shutdown signals, your stress tells you can:

• Pause before reacting

• Step away instead of exploding

• Respond with compassion instead of control

• See the root issue instead of just the behavior

• Offer safety instead of threat

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Parenting from a regulated state isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. And the beautiful thing is that, while I wish I knew these things earlier, it’s truly never too late. Whether your kids are toddlers or teenagers, every day offers a new chance to notice, reconnect, and try again.