The Play Gap

I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, and if I’m being honest, play was one area I really struggled with. I loved my children deeply and made sure they had plenty of opportunities to play, but when it came to joining them, sitting on the floor pretending with Polly Pockets or building that block tower, I often felt pulled in another direction. The laundry needed to be done, the house needed to be picked up, and there was always something more productive calling my name. Even when I tried to engage, I found it difficult to fully embrace that carefree, playful spirit. Looking back, I sometimes wish I had leaned into those moments more, not out of guilt, but because I now understand how much connection can be built through play.

The good news is that life has a way of offering perspective. Grandchildren have given me a bit of a “do-over,” and I’m learning to embrace play in a new way this time around. And as I work with parents now, I’ve realized something important: I was never alone in feeling this way. Many parents describe play as draining or repetitive. Reading the same book over and over or being asked to build one more tower can feel like a chore rather than a moment of connection. If that’s you, you’re not failing, you’re human. My hope is that this encourages you, not adds pressure, and helps you see play in a way that feels more doable.

One of the most helpful shifts is recognizing that not all play looks the same. We often picture play as imaginative, high-energy, or child-led pretend games, but there are actually many different styles of play. Some children thrive in imaginative worlds of storytelling and role-playing, while others gravitate toward physical play like running, wrestling, and movement. There are children who love building and creating with blocks or puzzles, and others who prefer quieter, creative outlets like drawing, crafting, or music. Then there is the kind of play that often gets overlooked, cozy connection moments like reading together, snuggling on the couch, or playing simple games. Each of these styles supports a child’s development in different ways, from emotional expression and creativity, to problem-solving and confidence.

As parents, we also have our own natural play styles, and they don’t always match our child’s. That mismatch can be where frustration shows up. If your child loves imaginative play and you prefer structure or quiet, play can start to feel like work. But connection doesn’t require you to become someone you’re not. It simply asks you to be aware and willing to meet your child somewhere in the middle. When we bring our strengths into play, while also stepping slightly into our child’s world, we create meaningful connections without losing ourselves.

It’s also important to remember that play is not just entertainment, it is the work of childhood. Through play, children process emotions, practice social skills, solve problems, and build confidence. One of the most powerful things we can do is allow our child to lead. When we follow their ideas, even in simple ways, we are giving them the message that they are seen, valued, and understood. That kind of connection doesn’t require elaborate setups or endless energy it simply requires presence.

If play feels hard for you, there are small, practical ways to make it more approachable. Start by checking your own capacity. It’s okay to acknowledge when you don’t have the energy to fully engage. Sometimes finishing one task or taking a short break first can help you show up more intentionally. For those of us who are “doers,” it can even help to put play on your to-do list. Writing it down and giving it a set amount of time can shift your mindset and make it feel more purposeful.

You also don’t need large stretches of time to make an impact. Even ten minutes of focused, present play can strengthen your connection with your child. Setting a timer can help you stay engaged without feeling overwhelmed. It can also be helpful to blend your play style with your child’s. If you enjoy structure, build something together. If you prefer quiet, lean into books or puzzles. You can stay connected without forcing yourself into a style that feels unnatural. And if pretending feels uncomfortable, you don’t have to perform. Simply narrating what your child is doing or noticing their ideas is a powerful way to stay engaged.

Over time, play becomes less about effort and more about rhythm. Like any skill, it grows with practice. It may feel awkward at first, but small, consistent moments begin to build confidence, for both you and your child.

At the end of the day, you don’t have to love every moment of play to be a connected parent. You don’t have to be the most creative or the most fun. What your child needs most is not perfection, but presence. It’s the simple message beneath it all that says “I’m here with you”, that builds lasting connection. And those small moments, even when they feel ordinary, are the ones that matter most.